This whole train of thought was sparked by an article linked here that was passed along to me by the training director of PC Moldova, and may make the most sense in context. It's totally worth reading, anyhow, so, really, go ahead!
I've heard from a number of credible sources, as well as from some not-so-credible ones and even some total strangers, that one of the most important things a person learns in the Peace Corps is how to fail. Encouraging, huh??
I never disputed that distinct possibility before leaving for (and on arrival in) a new place and way of life, speaking a new language and living with a whole country's worth of total strangers-- in fact, I may even have looked forward to it a bit. I though "it'll toughen me up." I know quite well that I've lived a pretty easy life, on the whole, and I figured the challenge would do me good.
Then I got here.
There were little things first, when I was surrounded all day every day by a support team of my peers and some very patient Peace Corps staff in training. I'd get locked out of my house and have to go to someone else's for the night. I'd fail to find the word I needed to communicate with my family and ultimately settle for just telling them that the phrase I'd been looking through a dictionary to translate for the past half hour wasn't important anyhow (and ultimately, it wasn't). I'd get lost on my way from A to B (nothing new for me, really) and make myself late for classes or whatever else I hoped to do with my time (also old news). Ultimately, I'd become frustrated, pick myself up, and (very quietly) congratulate myself for how well I'd recouped from one "failure" after another. This was quality, character-building good stuff!
You're laughing, too, right?
Locked gates, translation troubles, and becoming disoriented, as it turns out, were only the beginning, were immeasurably minor setbacks, and (I have the sneaking suspicion) were absolutely nothing compared to the kinds of failure I'm in for over the next couple years.
This is not to be mistaken for a complaint-- just a realization. For that matter, I'm kind of relieved at the whole notion of it. I think this may be just what I need.. I may need to redefine failing for myself, because it's occurring to me that (likely due to good fortune and a life that's primarily consisted of being a student, something I do pretty well) I've never really had the chance to totally fail.
I've got a family who have always supported me, who, lucky for me, can no longer break my falls here in Moldova. I'm pretty good at expressing myself and being able to explain myself to others who can help to solve my problems, which is clearly not the case in my new Romanian-speaking world. I'm good at school, in American classrooms and from the little desks, rather than the big one, but here, I get to try my hand at the big desk in a whole new realm of an educational system.
All the obstacles I once encountered were, in my defense, "major" within the context of my life at a given time. I've had to pull all-nighters to complete projects. I've stressed myself senseless in social matters. I've even received a very few-- brace yourself-- average or slightly lower grades. I've worked a couple jobs at a time, slept too little, pulled through, and come through unscathed. When I pictured obstacles in the Peace Corps, I won't deny for a second that I expected once again to come in here, barrel through with my head down, work all night, stress myself stupid, pick up the pieces, and be successful.
I read the article above earlier, about how very necessary it must be for people to learn to fall hard, then stand up and move forward. I anticipate that at some point in my coming two years, I'll be overcome, I'll get in the way, I'll be rejected, I'll try really hard at things, and, when it's not meant to be, I won't succeed.
I expect that when that happens, I'm going to cry a lot. I do that. I think I'll sulk a bit. I do that, too. I think when I'm finished with all that, I'll get back up, brush off the dirt, and I'll try really hard again. My successes will count, even if they're not always huge, and maybe, just maybe, if I'm incredibly lucky, I can come away from this experience when all is said and done, able to fail with all the grace expected of a Peace Corps Volunteer-- the kind of grace that let's us laugh off statements like "The most important thing I've learned in these two years is how to fail" and then proceed to move forward just as successfully as ever, or more so.
And in line with my constant excitement at a chance to celebrate a small victory, I'm really pleased that I've embraced the idea of failing. Now, please, all of you, when I actually get around to those real failures, could you kindly remind me of just how valuable I'll have forgotten they are? Thanks a bunch-- knew you would.
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