Homesick??

It's the question I get here from almost everyone I meet. "Do you miss home?" and I usually reply as generically as I possibly can, "Sometimes." Duh, right? It's okay-- they probably do usually assume by brief reply has something to do with my language capacity, and I won't deny, I sometimes take advantage of that assumption.

For instance, I use it when I don't entirely know the answer, even in English.

Truth be told, though, I don't usually think of myself as getting homesick here. Maybe I think being homesick means being weak, or dependent. Maybe I just pick it apart and analyze my missings too far to think of them as general homesickness. Even on the worst days, I more often think things like "I miss American school systems" or "I miss my mom's meatloaf." Lately I've spent a lot of time thinking "I miss regulating my own heat."

Today, though, I think I miss home. I was just sitting around pondering it, and considering how totally made I had it before I came here.


The thought's probably in my mind, because a lot of things here have been a bit of a mess recently. I've had it up to here *gestures by standing on the desk with my hand over my head* with one of my two school partners. She's a nice lady, and it honestly is nothing personal. The issue is primarily that she has no desire to be a better teacher. It's just her job. Teaching is often just a job in Moldova-- probably much more often than not. I've talked a lot with my program manager and then with the country director above her, trying to figure out how I can stay in Moldova and find a way to do decent work.

We've considered me working with another school within my current town for part of my hours, at least to give me more to do and to make it more likely that I can find a niche where I feel like a productive member of society here. That's yet to be tested, but it has potential.

We also considered a change of site, meaning packing up, leaving the host family I adore, the other partner and her family who I also adore, and the school that (more often than not) is making me feel horrible. The first potential new site we've been thinking of is one where a residential hospital for children with tuberculosis (which is awfully common in Moldova) is looking for someone to help out with their education program for the kids. The patients don't go to school, because they have a contagious disease that would so easily be spread in an environment that isn't health-/sanitation-minded like a hospital.

The people who work there, however, are doctors, not teachers. They do the best they know how, but they'd like someone with an education background. This was all set to go, until we realized in the past couple days that in the tiny village where the hospital is located, there's not much available for housing. So far, Peace Corps hasn't managed to find anywhere I could live if I wanted to make this change. That was sort of a downer, but if something materializes, maybe it's got some pretty appealing potential, too.


In all reality, though, all these thoughts of changing something in the interest of being happy gets me thinking about how happy I've been in other places. I  loved teaching in Alaska wholeheartedly, and if I hadn't given in to a whim to come home on one bad mood day, I'd likely still be there. I genuinely don't know what I was thinking (or if I was thinking), but I still regret that particular rash decision. I miss the school where I worked during my time there-- it was one of the best school environments I've ever encountered-- so positive and encouraging. So relaxed about the things I have never thought matter much. So concerned about the things I think matter most. It was a nice fit for me, and I was very happy teaching there. School's one of the things that I've always counted on when it comes to being happy-- sure it's weird. That's okay. I'm a little weird.

I think sometimes of what it'd be like to start applying for some teaching positions out in Bush Alaska, finding myself a cozy place to live, and bailing on one adventure to pursue another. It sounds like kind of a lame thing to do, in a way. I mean, I worked hard to get here, and I do solemnly swear that I want to be in Moldova. I want to be a Volunteer.

I also want to be happy, though. I want to do good work. I want to teach, and do it well.

I also get to thinking about being happy in the other places I've been. I consider time spent at home with my family, and I think how happy I am when I live close enough to see them whenever the Spirit so moves me. I think of how happy I felt when I filled my little bitty apartment with friends and movies and board games, junk food and long conversations, school projects completed too late at night together. I think of being happy at SMILES where I worked, and at the schools where I taught, particularly when I was student teaching at Oklahoma Elementary. It was another school I was super-comfortable in (after a kind of rocky beginning, but aren't most beginnings a little rocky?), and where I felt like I had a lot to offer. It was really a beautiful feeling.

Maybe I don't have what it takes to be someone who creates their wonderful internal happiness just by their outlook. I think I create happiness in my life by having good things to offer others. I offer advice to those who ask and company to my friends. I offer fresh-baked cookies to colleagues. I offer everything I know to the kids I teach.

Here, I haven't found a place to offer those things.

I apologize if this post's a bit of a downer-- I normally don't publish anything I write that leaves a sour taste in the mouth, but I guess sometimes, when sorting one's thoughts, it feels good to send them out into the world and hope someone else is understanding what you're thinking. There was a time it was super easy for me to find people to bounce these kinds of thoughts off of face-to-face, but until I find an impartial, fluent-English-speaking Moldovan, a blog is working tonight as my substitute for that kind of conversation.

Am I saying that because things are not getting easier here, I'm set to bail and seek my happiness someplace else? Not yet. It's just a thought that wanders through my mind from time to time, for now. Am I saying that I've tried everything I know and can officially say I wasn't able to do what I came here for? So far no.

Maybe what I'm saying just has to do with the things I miss...

Me, homesick??

Yeah. Maybe.